Away, ye gay landscapes, ye gardens of roses

IT HAS BECOME COMMONPLACE for high-profile police clampdowns — on litter louts, teenage gangs, stolen vehicles and the like — to be given rather pompous and portentous names. Hence Operation Sabre (“Cleveland police force’s largest ever crackdown on crime and disorder”), Operation Maxim (“targeting people involved in organised immigration crime throughout London”), Operation ’Ello ’Ello, what’s goin’ on ’ere then? (“hassling hoodies on street corners”), and so on.

Recently, displaying laudable eagerness to keep pace with this legal-linguistic trend, Grampian Police conducted a “blitz on the region’s drug dealers” under the title Operation Lochnagar.

This seems a tad unfair, however, on arguably the finest of all Deeside hills, and indeed on Prince Charles, who has long championed it. Perhaps the Grampian bobbies know something about narcotic habits on Balmoral Estate that they’re not telling the rest of us.

But Operation Lochnagar it was, and things seem to have gone well. On 13 March, the BBC reported “151 people being taken into custody and £77,000 of drugs being seized”. Excellent: lock up the Craigiebuckler crackheids and Duthie Park dope-fiends, TAC says.

Buoyed by this success, the question that now arises is what other police operations, named after popular UK hills, could be introduced to target other menaces to society? Here are a few suggestions:

Operation Brown Cow Hill — a blitz on bovine rustlers

Operation Ben Venue — calling time on ticket touts

Operation High Raise — no more favours for fat-cat bankers (aka Operation Fuck Off Sir Fred)

Operation Sergeant Man — targeting corrupt coppers in Cumbria

Operation Cobbler — cutting out corrupt shoe repairers

Operation Roaches — coming down heavy on cannabis-addled climbers

Operation Ochils — re-educating dyslexics who can’t spell Slioch

Operation Ben Tee and Ben Hee — let’s work together to stop bad stand-ups

Operation Grasmoor — upping the number of police informers

Operation High Stile — preventing countryside discrimination against midgets and dwarfs

Operation Am Bodach — putting a stop to pensioner crime

Operation Robinson — wiping out the Weakest Link

Operation Shining Tor — waging war on Peruvian hillwalkers

Operation Brown Willythat’s enough operations — Ed.