The Angry Corrie 65: Jul-Sep 2005

The Devil's Point, the column that puts the Cor!!! in Corrour

Ralph Storer

image from The Angry Corrie

Dear Ralph -
After several trips in the Rockies, I am thinking of making my first trip across the pond to trek in the Scottish Highlands. Can you advise me where to go? - Bigfoot of Boston
Dear Bigfoot -
You're in for a treat. Compared to the Rockies, Scottish mountains are mere warts on Nature's backside (butt, in your parlance), so you'll actually be able to climb them instead of having to trek around them. You'll even find reaching their bases an adventure in itself, thanks to a quaint road system that ensures you won't speed past anything of interest. In fact you won't speed past anything. Of course, you won't see the mountains very often, but that only makes an occasional glimpse of them through cloud cover all the more rewarding.
On the mountains themselves you'll find few of those boring man-made paths you're used to. Ours have been eroded naturally into a blanket of succulent peat that never fails to bring a wry smile to the visage. In summer, routefinding is simple: just follow the person in front of you. You won't need sunscreen, the rain will keep you cool, the friendly midges will keep you moving, and cloud or haze will minimise photographic expense.
After your "trek", provided you eat before 8:30pm, you'll find a national cuisine untainted by regional variation, of the type and calibre you are accustomed to in any of your regular fast food outlets.
Be advised, however, that unless you wish to be treated by Mountain Rescue as an accident waiting to happen, you'll need to ditch your lightweight walking gear and equip yourself as for a Himalayan expedition. If this is not to your taste, I suggest you stay on your side of the pond with your chocolate and nylons and leave our women alone.

Dear Ralph -
I am an attractive, curvy, size-18 thirty-something who seeks a caring, passionate, intelligent and fit sporran-swinger for days out and nights in. It has been suggested that I might meet someone suitable if I join a hillwalking club. What do you think? - Classy Lassie of Invercassie
Dear Classy Lassie -
Forget hillwalking for the moment. At your present tonnage, any attempt to climb a mountain is likely to land you on your back, and not for the reasons you wish. A hillwalker is an estimable goal to aspire to, but in your current state you'd get a knockback from the Abominable Snowman.
A barrage balloon is curvy, but who wants to share a bivouac with a barrage balloon? Who wants to be on the hill with someone who blocks the sun? Who wants a partner he needs a compass to navigate around? Slim down to a size 10, dear, then you might stand a chance.

Dear Curious of Gretna Green -
Re your query concerning the size of a man's boots. This is an ancient Norse myth introduced to these islands by tall Viking invaders. Be assured that there is no correlation.

The views expressed in this column are not necessarily those held by the columnist. (Nor by the editor - Ed.)

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