The Angry Corrie 59: Oct-Dec 2003


Gormless

The enthusiasts and apologists for Highland Perthshire grumbled mightily at being excluded from the new Cairngorms national park, despite it already being the biggest such authority in the UK at 3800km2. They weren't the only ones to moan about having been overlooked, however...

Keswick
The northern outpost of the Ponds had become disaffected with decades of easy dominance over weaker rivals such as Ambleside and Coniston. Was rumoured to be keen to try its hand in Scotland, possibly in a deal which would have seen Celtic and Rangers admitted to the Premiership.
Dungavel detention centre
In a radical move to resolve the asylum seeker problem, upwards of 60,000 inmates would have been transferred to a variety of Cairngorms bothies. Funding was to be allocated to reinstate and restore "heritage shelters" such as Jean's Hut and the Curran and so increase the amount of available accommodation.
Gibraltar
Secret government plans, leaked to the Today programme, suggest that moves were afoot to resolve the long-running constitutional dispute over "The Rock". Gibraltar's admission to the Cairngorms would have been on the "Rockall precedent" (named after the godforsaken ultra-Hebridean outlier claimed for the UK in 1955 to secure remote military, fishing and oil rights). TAC can also confirm that arrangements had been made to use highly trained barbary apes to stop the mass breakouts of walkers from the funicular top-station.
Shatt al-Arab waterway
As part of the roadmap for Middle East peace, the waterway would have been twinned with Loch Morlich in an "overspill" project. A proportion of Glenmore windsurfers and canoeists would have been offered "holiday relocation" to the Gulf, where they could have further honed their skills in guaranteed sunshine among the supertankers and gunboats. A similar project to relocate a proportion of Rothiemurchus mountainbikers to the Road to Basra was likewise shelved.
Chelsea FC
Speaking at the official launch held inside the funicular top-station, boss of the Cairngorms national park Andrew Thing (who until five minutes previously had been boss of the anti-funicular John Muir Trust) denied claims that "blatant commercialism and greed" lay at the heart of plans for billionaire Chelsea owner Roman Abramovich to buy the whole of upper Deeside and Strathspey. "There is no truth in this at all," Thing said. "If Mr Abramovich wishes to invest in Scotland's outdoor heritage then he is welcome to buy some other commodity such as the Cuillins."

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