The Angry Corrie 30: Jan-Feb97
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The Bolt-On(tm) dental extraction Kits
In response to customer demand, the Bolt-On(tm) Corporation is pleased to announce two handy new kits (upper and lower jaw versions). Now you needn't let that toothache ruin a day on the hill!
Here's how the Lower Jaw Kit is used for a right-sided toothache:
(Caution: If your toothache is on the left, be sure to mirror-reverse all instructions.)
- First, get comfortable! Find a convenient boulder on which to position the Bolt-On(tm) Magnifying Dental Mirror. Put on your head-lamp (not included), and adjust the mirror and light until you have a clear view of the troublesome tooth. (Some users like to kneel in front of the mirror, with the jaw resting on a rock padded with a sock or glove.) If in doubt, use the Bolt-On(tm) Electrical Stimulating Probe to precisely identify the tooth that's causing the pain.
- Inject the local anaesthetic. Insert your left thumb into your mouth, and slide it backwards along the inside of your right cheek until you reach the vertical part of your jawbone. Now put the fingers of your left hand behind the angle of the jaw, just below the ear, so that you're holding the bone between your thumb and fingers, while your thumb pulls the cheek outwards. Take the syringe of local anaesthetic in your right hand, and push the needle firmly into the inside of your cheek just behind your thumb, aiming backwards so that the needle strikes bone at a point roughly midway between your thumb and fingers. Inject the whole cartridge of local anaesthetic. (If at any time during the injection you experience tingling around the nose and mouth, shooting pains, loss of consciousness or grand mal convulsions, this indicates that the needle is in the wrong place - just withdraw, and try again.)
- Wait for the anaesthetic to work. The right side of your mouth should begin to feel tingly and numb. "Fat lip" symptoms may occur. It is also likely that you will lose the feeling in the right half of your tongue. (Caution: never attempt to extract teeth from both sides of the mouth at the same time - complete numbness of the tongue may lead to slurred speech, difficulty with drinking hot liquids, and a tendency to inhale blood, suffocate and die.) Local anaesthetics may not work in severely infected tissues. However, in this situation, attempts at extraction are unlikely to increase your pre-existing pain level significantly, and you may therefore wish to proceed without benefit of anaesthesia. (Note: The Bolt-On(tm) Corporation accepts no liability for any subsequent dental phobic or hysterical reactions occurring as a result of this course of action.)
- Get ready! Remove the adhesive backing from the Bolt-On(tm) Tear-Absorbent Eye Guards, and attach them to your lower eyelids. Involuntary weeping can occur during tooth extraction even with the best of anaesthetics - and, at the first attempt, yours may not be the best! The Eye Guards will quickly absorb any tears and maintain crystal-clear vision.
- Let's go! Hold the forceps in your right hand, and apply them to the offending tooth. Push the forceps down firmly, so that the points are thrust well down between the gum and the sides of the tooth. (Failure to do this may result in "shattering" of the tooth crown and subsequent discomfort from exposed nerve endings.) Now grip as hard as you can, and make vigorous "stirring" movements with your right hand (a figure-of-eight motion is particularly effective), while supporting your jaw with the left. Ignore any cracking and popping noises - these are entirely normal. Once you begin to sense movement, maintain very firm downward pressure on the handles of the forceps, levering the tooth upwards and outwards until it comes entirely free. Now repeat as necessary for any other teeth.
- All over! Squeeze the empty socket with your thumbs to reduce haemorrhage. Check carefully that you can close your mouth fully. If not, you have probably dislocated your jaw - a frequent complication of over-enthusiasm! Don't panic if this occurs - just grip your jaw firmly with both hands, try to relax your jaw muscles as much as possible, and pull strongly downwards while applying a little backwards pressure. A loud click! and the return of full, normal movement indicates success. Now drop two Bolt-On(tm) Effervescent Pink Tablets into a cup of lukewarm water, rinse and spit. Well done!
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