by David McVey
(President of the Scottish Institute for Crypto-Munrological Knowledge)
At our institute we have researched many of the crypto-mysteries of the hills, including the Grey Gaiters of Ben Macdui, the phantom No Trespassing notices of Wester Ross, and the Spectral Socks of Benalder Cottage. But nothing has caused as much interest as something I myself have seen.
I was on a train in North Wales when an elderly walker boarded, unmistakable in woolly hat, stout nailed boots, Norfolk jacket (whose pockets were large and had deep, Stygian Depths), and sensible tweed breeches tucked into jaggy thick socks that would have landed a lesser mortal in a dermatology ward. He carried a knobbly stick and an ex-army canvas rucksack. That was the moment when I realised that Poucher is Alive!
We all thought that the ultimate walker's hero had shuffled off into climbers' Valhalla. Why he should feel it necessary to fake his death and live in obscurity is unknown, but one thing is certain: he is leading still a very active life. Subsequent research by SICK has uncovered literally hundreds of recent sightings of WA Poucher. For example, he has been seen:
- queuing for a Rangers season ticket at Ibrox
- working in the Snack Bar at the Cairngorm Chairlift
- playing a minor role in the battle scenes of Braveheart
- buying a sausage supper in a late-night Glasgow chippie
- auditioning to replace Robbie in Take That!
There have been further sightings abroad, with WAP confirmed as sunbathing at Marbella, on the roller-coaster at Eurodisney, and publicly smoking hash with gangs of bikers in the squares of Amsterdam. In each case, witnesses are in no doubt as to the identity of the individual they saw, thanks to WAP's distinctive rustic style of dress (see above).
The most exciting speculation of all followed a series of sightings in the Southern USA. Many believe that WAP will soon enter the legendary Sun Studios and record a new album.
Of course there will be sceptics. The same people who doubted the existence of the Giant Midgie of Glen Rosa, the Formation-Dancing Sheep of Braeleny and the Ghostly Chip Shop on the Bealach-eader-dha-Bheinn, will no doubt mock. However, TAC readers can strike a blow for truth. Have you seen Walter Arthur Poucher? Write to TAC and tell us when, where and how. Free membership of SICK for every letter published.
TAC 25 Index