The Angry Corrie 24: Sep-Oct 1995

10 People to avoid (like the plague) on Scottish hills

1 Midge Ure

Anyone who has ever camped in August beneath Beinn Sgulaird will most likely have been eaten alive by Glen Ure midges. Similarly, anyone who has ever shared an early-eighties bedsit will most likely have been driven witless by their cohabitee's collection of the nasal one's crap hits such as Vienna and If I Was. Okay, so he and Saint Bob did set up Live Aid and do a lot of good for humanity, but that hardly excuses the pencil-thin moustache...

2 Private Lee Clegg

One of the worst of all encountees on the hill. Will either land on your arm and inflict a nasty skin-swelling bite, or wait until you've gone twenty yards past before pumping an entire AK47 gunclip into your back and then shouting "Stop! Paras ya bass!" Had been successfully isolated until recently, but now securely back in the ranks of those who deign to protect us.

3 John Stalker

Differs from Midge and Clegg in that whilst your average stalker isn't really the kind of chap you'd invite round for an evening of reminiscences - "...and then there was that time I gralloched the badger..." - your man John Stalker does seem genuinely decent. Stood up well against the bulging-eyed religious mania of his erstwhile polis boss, James Anderton, and now inhabits the radio-discussion circuit along with maverick Tory MPs, out-of-work writers and "resting" actors, darling.

4 "Sir" Cliff Richard

Whereas many walkers carry guidebook, iceaxe and map, Cliff can easily be spotted due to rucksack brimming with Bibles, tennis racquets and stained, dogeared pics of Sue Barker. Hills can only be safely climbed clifffree (ho! - 3 fs!) around Christmas, when he's away making tacky top-ten ballads about mistletoe, goodwill and no war. Basically the only kind of Cliff you can walk over; indeed, this is positively recommended. To paraphrase The Clash, "if Jesus Christ flew in today, they'd send a limousine anyway."

5 Kyran Bracken

Bristol scrum-half named after horrible ferny undergrowth which everyone hates, and a mid-Scotland bothy we can't really mention lest the Branch Bothidian and the Scrotums (see p9) team up to torch TAC HQ. Only member of tiresome AlbRug squad to be in neither the polis, and to have evaded disciplinary procedures, nor the RAF and fly supersonic killing machines up and down otherwise peaceful glens. Neither is he known to have been given any nicknames or sexual favours by Princess Di. Grant Hutchison adds: My next-door neighbour in Dundee had a wee Scottie dog called Bracken. "Why's he called that?" I once asked. "Cos he's aye bracken wind..."

6 Joao Havelange

Old TAC anti-favourite and enemy of Pele. Readers are reminded that should they ever find themselves overwhelmed and underneath the corpulent head of FIFA, they should make vigorous swimming motions and emit regular bleeping noises. A large dog will then come and unbury them.

7 Barry Venison

An Italian signed by Souness for Galatasaray. Christened Bari, his name means "Son of Venice". Graham Taylor wanted him for England, but he refused, harbouring hopes of teaming up with Roberto "Bob" Baggio for the mighty Azzurri. Terry Venables then picked him because the middles of their names are the same - rryVen. (Baggios are also to be avoided on the hill, as they say Ee, Aye, then go on and on about bagging. Souness is to be avoided everywhere.)

8 Snoop Doggy Dogg

Gangsta-rapper and first act ever to enter the US album charts at No.1 with the subtly-titled Doggystyle. This accolade wasn't due to the quality of the "music", more to do with being hauled up on murder charges at the time. Like all dogs, none too pleasant on the hill due to leg-sniffing, pointless barking and sheep-chasing. To meet Snoop Doggy Dogg, Lee Clegg and Cliff Richard on a hill together is to be avoided at all costs.

9 Bjork

No real hill connection here, it's just that your editor feels like writing about her and can't be arsed starting his own indie-pop fanzine. Easy to avoid on a hill, since although too small to spot, as soon as she comes within a mile the noise will give due warning. Emits more squawks and beeps than a plover on speed, and sings enough distonal angst songs - angsthems? - to exterminate all wildlife within a three-mile radius. Not to be confused with the Duchess of Björk, the Grand Old Duke of same, or PJ Harvey.

10 Bob Hoskins

Urggghhh! Unpleasant little baldy bloke (see also Danny De Vito, Edward G Robinson) who was bad enough when making movies let alone when giving those nauseous knowing looks in the current crap - sorry, crop - of BT ads. Fortunately people of his particular bodytype aren't often to be found on the summits - although hillnames such as Maol Chean-dearg do hint otherwise. What was it Randy Newman said about Little People...?

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