The Angry Corrie 17: Feb-Mar 1994

The Good Flush Guide part 1: Arrochar and Tarbet

Arrochar, OS sheet 56, gridref: NN296042

The WC at Arrochar is the ideal place to start a bog-bagging tour of Scotland. Bright and colourful with indoor plants, there is a seating area that resembles a waiting-room in a hospital - except it's cleaner In short, this could well be Scotland's showpiece cludgie; handy for parking, the adjacent chippie, only a not-too-bladder-straining 15-minute walk from Arrochar and Tarbet station... and free. No surprise then that they say if you spend long enough here, you'll see all the mountaineers in the world pass water.

At one point this luxurious lavvy offered three different ways to dry your hands - paper towels, roller towel and hot-air drier; on my first visit I washed my hands three times. Only the driers remain; walkers should note that the button requires to be pressed around twenty times to dry a pair of socks after an average day on the Arrochar Alps. (The Arrochar what? - Ed.)

The only black mark against these toilets is the legendary notice which proclaims that they are not designed as changing rooms for hillwalkers. The hideous sight of fat, sweaty ugly walkers in their undies in downtown Arrochar should change official attitudes to that one. "We can't go into the toilets to change, officer, we're not allowed."

Rating: ****

Tarbet, OS sheet 56, gridref: NN317046

In stark contrast, the nearby black hole at Tarbet almost defies description. Problems start even before you enter: if needing to jump out of a Cobbler-bound car for a quick streamie, there's the immediate hazard of the lavvy being sited on a corner as sharp and blind as the U-bend in a waste pipe. And even if you secure a parking space at the nearby post office-cum-tearoom, there's then the difficulty of regaining the A83 without being rammed broadside by the timber truck of death.

But the toilets themselves... Urrgh! Your correspondent has, naturally, only ever entered the little boy's room, but merely hopes that the lassies' lavvy is better. It can hardly be worse. All the standard hellishnesses: no toilet seat, no toilet paper, no lock on the door, horrible painted roughcast walls, the usual You like cock fun with wife? graffito on the door. And midgies a plenty to bite your bum in summer. Not a place to linger, especially with the aforementioned Arrochar special single fish shop just a mile up the road.

The only saving grace is that the adjacent tearoom is one of the nicest around - but make sure you eat first, otherwise you're unlikely to keep the scones dawn. Put simply, these toilets are crap.

Rating: Minus ***

Reporters: Bogon Runny / Shere Mite

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