The totally useless equipment guide No. 6:
Old curmudgeons that they are your Angry Corrie team differ from the Woodcraft Folk philosophy whereby children are seen, heard, stimulated, encouraged to express themselves etc. We tend more to hark back to the days when children did useful jobs like mining and chimney sweeping; when they doffed their forelocks to their elders, knew the 13 times table and Super Nintendo was a wrestler on Kent Walton's Saturday afternoon sessions. These days, to our dismay, the child has a pivotal place in society, and with ever increasing frequency, is appearing on the hills.
Good Points and Features
- Due to a diet of IRN BRU and crisps a child has a very high metabolic rate and could serve as a handy source of heat if snowholing on the Cairngorm Plateau.
- The child will almost certainly be clad in fluorescent drug-inspired clothing which might be helpful in attracting a helicopter when he or she gets hypothermia. (see below)
- In the case of very young children carrying them on your back or front helps to cushion your landing in a fall.
- Due to the complete breakdown of discipline in the schools, your child will be completely incapable of adhering to the country code. It will wander about leaving gates open and throwing away crisp packets. Since the latter pose a slight risk of asphyxiation to sheep your child may well be humanely destroyed by an irate farmer who is down on his assassination quota. You will then get your other children taken off you by the "Cruelty" as an unfit parent and you will be free to pursue your hillwalking career in peace.