The Angry Corrie 11: Feb-Mar 1993

The totally useless equipment guide No. 6:
The child

Old curmudgeons that they are your Angry Corrie team differ from the Woodcraft Folk philosophy whereby children are seen, heard, stimulated, encouraged to express themselves etc. We tend more to hark back to the days when children did useful jobs like mining and chimney sweeping; when they doffed their forelocks to their elders, knew the 13 times table and Super Nintendo was a wrestler on Kent Walton's Saturday afternoon sessions. These days, to our dismay, the child has a pivotal place in society, and with ever increasing frequency, is appearing on the hills.

Good Points and Features

  • Due to a diet of IRN BRU and crisps a child has a very high metabolic rate and could serve as a handy source of heat if snowholing on the Cairngorm Plateau.
  • The child will almost certainly be clad in fluorescent drug-inspired clothing which might be helpful in attracting a helicopter when he or she gets hypothermia. (see below)
  • In the case of very young children carrying them on your back or front helps to cushion your landing in a fall.
  • Due to the complete breakdown of discipline in the schools, your child will be completely incapable of adhering to the country code. It will wander about leaving gates open and throwing away crisp packets. Since the latter pose a slight risk of asphyxiation to sheep your child may well be humanely destroyed by an irate farmer who is down on his assassination quota. You will then get your other children taken off you by the "Cruelty" as an unfit parent and you will be free to pursue your hillwalking career in peace.

Bad Points and Features

  • Children are shod without exception in "trainers" - a misnomer if ever there was. The percentage of trainers involved in training is comparable with the percentage of mountain bikes used on mountains. These trainers, as is the style, will not have the laces done up and your child will lose them in a bog or on a tricky bit of scrambling.
  • Due to a diet of IRN BRU and crisps a child has a very high metabolic rate and will be losing heat from the word go. It will refuse to wear a sensible fleece in favour of some ludicrous item with Joe Bloggs or NAF NAF written on it and a TOG value of 0.002. It will catch hypothermia and you will not look good with the Mountain Rescue or Scotland Today.
  • Children have an attention span equal to the average length of a bout on WWF wrestling - i.e. 4.3 minutes. You will barely have left the road when cries of "Can we eat now?", "Are we nearly at the top?", "Can I stop to play with my Game Boy?" will be driving you mad.
  • Young people's music is created by computer programmers from hell. When in a bothy with your child it will be a source of extreme embarrassment when sing-songs take place. Not many beardy types are going to want to hum along to drug-inspired litanies like "Move any Mountain". They may well disagree fundamentally with the sentiments too.
  • Your child will insist on carrying its IRN BRU and crisps in a ludicrous dayglo rucksack which it normally carries to school. Why this is so when none of them has ever seen a schoolbook is a mystery. This pathetic sack holds almost nothing, will certainly not have an ice axe loop and the straps will break almost immediately.

TAC 11 Index