The Angry Corrie 10: Dec 1992-Jan 1993

Madonna in "Hills" Outrage

Angry Hillwalkers and climbers were yesterday up in arms at the latest publication from controversial pop star Madonna. In a move which threatens to rock the hillwalking world like the infamous "Glencoe vs. Shakespeare" controversy, she released her latest coffee table book "Hills" in which she and a group of models act out raunchy hillwalking fantasies. The book includes staged photos of Madonna and her models undertaking classic rock and ice climbs in the Scottish hills while clad at most in skimpy Jean Paul Gutterlier underwear. Furthermore although both Madonna and the muscular young models have the right build for the climbs, the straps, buckles and leatherware which dangle about their persons could in no sense be considered standard climbing gear and could be completely misleading to a young inexperienced climber. Veteran hillwalker and rap star M C Ghabar blasted the poses. "Although choice of underwear is often overlooked in the climbing literature, I don't welcome the contribution made by this book. I would have thought a sensible pair of long johns under some good tweeds would have suited the climate better than the esoteric stuff in these photos. As for the climbing gear, I saw nothing in the photos that resembled a descendeur or karabiner. Madonna herself appeared to be wearing a harness, but there was certainly no "kite mark" on it. I doubted its ability to arrest a 20m fall on, say, The Cioch where she was perched. If Madonna must jump on the hillwalking bandwagon it would have been so much more appropriate to be pictured on the Ben Lawers tourist route with perhaps a troop of sensibly clad Scouts. She is giving the seriously misleading impression that you can go straight from lounging round a poolside in Beverly Hills surrounded by minders to stravaiging up Observatory Ridge in your flimsies with no ice axe or crampons".

This latest is just one of a long line of outrages perpetrated by the self styled "Queen of Filth".

  • Angry metallurgists blasted her "Material Girl" single in which she appeared to confuse ionic and covalent bonding. Prof Walter Cracknell of Tillicoultry University claimed "there is immeasurable harm to be done to young minds who are grappling for the first time with valence numbers; she is utterly irresponsible".
  • Glasgow Rangers FC thought her "True Blue" single less than ingenuous in view of her schooling and penchant for iconery.
  • The normally unflappable Royal and Ancient Golf Club of St Andrews were furious when the lyrics of "Get Into the Groove" appeared to support the use of illegally dimensioned grooves on the faces of iron clubs. These grooves were outlawed in 1989 but pirate sets achieved renewed popularity in the wake of Madonna's endorsement. The grooves allow greater control over the ball, although Madonna's own handicap of 28 does not appear much of a recommendation.
  • TAC cannot mention the sub judice court case involving top TV travel hosts Judith Chalmers and Anne Gregg who are suing Madonna for the implication in the lyrics of top ten hit "Holiday" that their lives are a constant round of junketing in exotic foreign parts at the licence payers' expense.
  • Members of the '45 Society were outraged with the National Trust for Scotland for allowing the Glenfinnan Monument to feature in Madonna's "Like A Prayer" video where she draped herself lasciviously across the statue of the unknown highlander and fiddled with his targe in time to the music.

TAC 10 Index