The Angry Corrie 9: Sep-Oct 1992

Hillwalking injuries and how to treat them No. 1: The toe job

Like M.E. and jogger's nipple, more common than previously thought. Goes by Latin name of paparazzi digitalus and, like the associated disease mellornoma majoralis, tends to be brought on by overmuch exposure to the Sun or by lazy holidays in non-hillwalking regions such as Westminster, Deeside or the Antonia Alps.

Treatment is, however, relatively simple.

  1. Remove the offending boot - in fact, remove all items of clothing.
  2. Lie flat on doctor's couch and/or sunlounger.
  3. Have nurse (or actress dressed as nurse) suck toe as one would a snakebite.
  4. Drink snakebite, Harvey Wallbanger or Proctor's Bristol Cream.

Other remedies/treatments (eg. Keays' Linctus, Keeler's marmalade) almost invariably available in medicine chest or Cabinet.

For hints on sucking bruised toes, the blackened nails of which are about to fall off, look under "Acquired Tastes".

As this treatment is not available on the NHS, we strongly recommend you consult with your financial adviser. If not treated quickly may lead to baldness and/or severe wealth problems (surely "health problems"? - Ed.).

TAC 9 Index