Perversions of the Scottish hills No. 2:
The open-air shite
In TAC3 it was romping naked in the snow. Now, in TAC8, we hear of yet more sordid behaviour in our noble hills.
It has to be said that mountains are no respecters of normal physiological events, and there are numerous testimonies to support this supposition. When normal physiological events meet representatives of the Nae Luck Dept, tragedy often occurs.
One blustery autumn day, a lad is meandering up the Cobbler path, intending an afternoon on the spectacular trio of peaks. The only cloud on the horizon is our hero's awareness of a certain urgent desire to move his bowels, as they say. Fortunately the path is littered with suitable boulders to lean against, and he takes the opportunity to relieve the increasing pressure. He scans the dramatic scenery to ensure there are to be no unwitting spectators. He performs his ablutions, using a handy handful of grass to ...er...um. He is pulling up his trousers and tightening his belt when he happens to glance up to his left. To his horror, a party of nearly thirty children, accompanied by a trio of leaders, is watching in bemused silence. With growing anxiety, he realises the path now proceeds to where they are all standing, mouths agape. There is an eerie silence as he flounders past. Mind gibbering, our hero searches for something to say to break the unbearable tension.
"Eh, this bit of the path is very muddy, isn't it?", he stutters.
"Aye", replies a spotty youth, "mind you don't skid".
words: Jenny Davidson
pic: Chris Tyler
TAC 8 Index