The Angry Corrie 5: Jan-Feb 1992
Exclusive... EC Summit Meeting Transcript
Transcript of opening session of EC summit, mountaineering sub-committee, held at Mastrick, 9th-12th December 1991. Translated from the Esperanto by Mme.Jungfrau.
Present: hill-representatives of all EC member states apart from the Low Countries.
Leon Brittany (Chairperson):
...good, good; so we are agreed that Beinn Ime shall henceforth be renamed "Butter Mountain". Now to proposal 27B: that the narrow isolationist term "Munro" be abandoned altogether - or, alternatively, be expanded so as to be inclusive on a pan-European basis.
Christian Tresbonington (Francais)
Would I be correct in assuming that this latter proposal would lead to "Les Tables de M. Shug Munro" incorporating the peaks of the Pyrenees, Dolomites, Alps and elsewhere?
Correct - plus hills in the Caucasus, Maracas and Tombola Ranges, the Urinals, and the Three Paps of the Jura Alps, thus increasing the number of Munros to the more politically expedient figure of 17,923.
Al Bania (Retrograde Stalinist Rep):
...not forgetting the mighty worker's peak of Hoxa-Hoaxer, and the twin summits of Hadjuk Split.
Helmut Froickheim (Deutschland):
...all of which would open up the hills to all and sundry, thus forwarding the true spirit of the free market!
Johannes Vingerindike (Dutchland): Free market drugs and prostitution for all!
Matt Ahorn (Switzerland): Cuckoo! Clock that!
John Bullshit (Albion):
...b-b-but what about us? We've only got four 3000' hills, and they're all in the so-called Pond District. We're not signing any treaty which doesn't allow for autonomy over our own hills - or at least for the Cotswolds, Malverns, South Downs and Hampstead Heath to be upgraded to Munro status...
(Interrupted by cries of "Zut alors!" and "Jacques Delors" from the French contingent. Much gnashing of etriers, unscrewing of karabiners and wild Gallic gesticulation. Eventually a semblance of order is restored.)
Bullshit (rising to declaim):
Mock not! England will not sleep until truth and beauty have prevailed. Did not, after all, our Lord Jesu's green and pleasant feet tread the verdant fields of our noble, unspoilt land? And now here are all you continental infidels, trying to deny us a slice of the booty. Justice must prevail, as it did for Rupert Brooke on Flanders fields, for Winston Churchill on the Normandy beaches and for our bold lads of the SAS on the streets of Gibraltar. (More uproar.)
Umberto Ecu (Italia '90): Next thing you'll be saying that Big Ben is the highest hill in Britain...
Prof.Hinterstosser-Traverse (Austria): Shaddupayaface, spagbogheid. It's got Foucault to do with you!
Roy Lichtenstein: ZAP! KEPOW!!
Bullshit (pulling on Union-Jack-coloured goretex cagoule):
But friends, friends, did we not agree in the draft treaty of the Bagger's Charter that nothing would be signed unless the F-word was expunged from every corner of the text? On this at least we will not budge!
Jean-Marie le Ben (Francais et mon Droit): ...OK, OK, so it's agreed that Foinaven isn't a Munro after all...
(Meeting adjourns to bar for schnaps, ouzo and bridies.)