The Angry Corrie 5: Jan-Feb 1992

Baggers abroad No. 2: Baggers in lurv

...continuing our quest to find how Munrobaggers would behave were their beloved hills suddenly denied them...

* Finding Mr or Mrs Right

Easier for men than for women - who have to make do with various Old Men or toffee-nosed types called Ben, Donald, Charles or Alastair. Conversely, whilst some men leap into amorous action as soon as a Fiona walks into the room, many wait until encountering combinations of 3 or 5 sisters. The latter scenario tends to prove extremely complex, with the third tallest sister often being flirted with simply as a means of two-timing her towering siblings.

* Family fortunes

Given the above, it follows that female-dominated families tend to acquire disaffected hillmen as in-laws. Hence a visit to the Mitford, Nolan or chess-playing Polgar households would doubtless reveal a beardie bivvied in a closet somewhere. And who'd have thought Sir Oswald Moseley, Adolf Hitler and the Duke of Devonshire would all have been keen baggers?

* Crucial first date

No matter how experienced, many baggers continually fall at the first hurdle. Common blunders include arranging to meet for a visit to the pictures at 6.30 a.m., attempting to play footsie under the table whilst wearing crampons, and liberally dousing oneself with midge-repellant rather than seductive aftershave/perfume.

* Dressing down

Another source of schisms. Fleecy jackets may just about be okay for visits to the pub, but a Goretex Sprayway and Yeti gaiters tend to elicit a knockback at the dancing. And even if the relationship progresses to the carnal stage, many baggers err by their refusal to discard thermal underwear or their insistence that the action take place in two zipped-together four-season sleepingbags.

* Tourist path

Many hillwalking romances fail early on due to protagonists' inbuilt tendency to tackle every situation by its shortest and least scenic route. Hence, on a first date, instead of wining and dining long into the night with much soft music and subtle lighting, baggers frequently try chat-up lines such as "How's about we go back to your place and give it laldy in the sack till four in the morning?" It's worth noting that tourist paths are a common and widely ridiculed feature of many sports - the football version, for instance, being known as "Route One".

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